Shame and Guilt In Recovery

We previously noted that a friend is fond of saying that few addicts and alcoholics see the light; more often they feel the heat. He is telling us that for most people who have developed a substance use disorder their recovery begins because some event or series of events forced their hand. A spouse, a judge, an employer, a physician, a minister gives them an ultimatum - - do something about your drinking and/or drugging or else.

The first days and weeks of recovery are filled with multiple inputs that keep people busy in mind and body. Most feel the physical difficulty of withdrawal. Everyone wonders how to fill the time previously dedicated to planning for, purchasing, using and “enjoying” alcohol and/or drugs. Many people live in residential treatment facilities for 28 days or more where they are immersed in assessment, treatment and measuring progress in early recovery. Many attend twelve step meetings frequently, even daily and some more than once a day. The tasks of cleaning up the immediate issues such as court cases, working through employer situations, relearning how to live at home with family members, friends, neighbors, and colleague parishioners requires attention. Some are involved with outpatient counseling individually or in groups. Busy, busy, busy.

As the newly recovering individual gets their legs under them it is very common for them to engage the memories of their bad behavior and be overcome with guilt and shame. These thoughts and memories may scan back years, even decades. They are inescapable and seem to rise from nowhere and at unpredictable times. Perhaps there are people or places or things or occurrences that trigger a painful memory. What makes this especially challenging is that oftentimes the person with substance use disorder has not developed the skills for dealing with difficult memories or the aftermath that is ongoing from their bad behavior. Guilt and shame are very real and very difficult for the newly recovering.

As noted in many articles including “Tips to Overcoming Guilt and Shame in Recovery” in Psychology Today, guilt and shame are too often used interchangeably when they are not the same thing. Guilt can occur when a person becomes aware of the negative impact of their behaviors and actions on themselves or others. It involves feeling responsible for a behavior that is perceived to be wrong or harmful. People who feel guilty feel that they have acted in a way that they know they should not.  Guilt can often be a helpful emotion in recovery as it can prompt people to take responsibility for their previous hurtful actions and repair past mistakes, but the feelings are not comfortable at least at first.

Shame is an internalized self-appraisal that involves negative judgments and feelings about one’s self. Unlike guilt, shame does not necessarily involve a feeling of responsibility for a behavior or event but is a sense of self with the perception that they have failed at life, given in to alcohol and drugs, have acted in selfish, unacceptable ways not due to a certain temptation but because they are weak to most temptation. With shame the individual feels unworthy of self-love, or the love, respect, and support of others, because they are in some way defective, that at the core they are lesser than others or they have not lived up to expectations of themselves. They may think that perhaps they don’t deserve to get better.

To this point we are describing shame that arises out of the addictive behavior as the person actively using stole, lied, violated professional and personal trust, and committed much more serious offenses as the result of active addiction. These cases may require further examination with the help of a trained professional but many people in early recovery find solace for their behaviors during active addiction in peer group approaches such as twelve step communities.

There are forms of shame that require the attention of professionals not just peer group ministration. In some cases shame arises from adverse childhood or adult environments and events. Sometimes addictive behavior is self-medicating in response.  There is also toxic shame that involves such self-loathing as to be debilitating or even dangerous. These are very dangerous conditions and while they can be treated alongside peer group approaches to recovery should be attended by a specialist.

Twelve step communities offer two pathways to working through guilt and shame. The Fourth Step, “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”, and Fifth Step, “Admitted to God, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs”, create a formal framework through which people with time in recovery can engage those past behaviors that trouble them now at this point in recovery. Comfort can be found in that these steps are not some new fad but have been trusted and practiced by millions beforehand. These tasks are usually taken with a senior peer who has experience with the exercise. The individual experiences both the guilt and shame of this inventory but the relief that things are often not as awful as they seem. Further, the individual has the reinforcement from that “another human being” who more often than not imparts no judgment and, often, will relate their similar experience. Through these steps the individual starts the process of engaging past behaviors, understanding how they can be avoided going forward, and rejoining society.

The Eighth Step, “Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all”, and Ninth Step, “Made direct amends to such people except when to do so would injure them or others”, intend reconciliation, amending past relationships, and further understanding behaviors that have been trouble in the past and could be if repeated in the future. The eight and ninth steps are described as particularly dangerous. Discerning who might be harmed or using that suggestion as an excuse is not always obvious. The mere facing of these relationships even just on paper can be unsettling to the point of relapse. The reception one receives may not be pleasant. This is why it is recommended that these steps especially be faced with the help of that senior peer usually called sponsor.

The person in now somewhat stable recovery, having practiced these steps, and especially if they have not, do not find a magic formula for relieving guilt and shame. Like most things in recovery it takes time, continued attention to healing, and patience. As that practice evolves there are other tools that can be helpful. Bridges to Hope offers suggestions in “Ten Tips To Overcoming Shame and Guilt In Recovery”.

·       Understand emotions. You are not solely your current emotions but a composite of many things, some qualitatively better than others. Arrested development during active use impeded experience with feeling. It is OK to feel these things. It is natural and important to have feelings both those joyous ones and the not so pleasant ones

·       Accept your past, your actions, and yourself. People with SUD have a disease and actively feeding alcohol and drug use induced some bad behaviors. That is not an excuse for the past nor for the future, but it is a result of a disease that people did not actively pursue. The opportunity to be a normal human being is a gift now. Embrace it

·       Practice self-forgiveness. While seeking forgiveness from everyone else some fail to forgive themselves. That is what overcoming shame is really about

·       Live in the present. The past is gone forever fixed. The future is not yet here.  People in early recovery might focus on what they experience today, and where they are in recovery right now. Mindfulness meditation can be a powerful tool for staying in the moment

·       Develop a sense of self-worth a little at a time. During active use and addiction people became self-focused. Now they have the opportunity to focus on the needs of others and in doing so will develop self-worth

·       Ask others to forgive you. It is a challenge that takes time, effort, and emotional maturity, but it is one of the best things people in recovery can do to relieve guilt and shame

·       Find trusted sources to talk about recovery. Usually in twelve step communities this is a sponsor, but family members, friends, ministers are all good sources. People with SUD are served by normalizing the disease they did not seek

·       Channel these emotions into positives. Developing the resolve to not repeat past mistakes, finding a path to a life of giving and lessened self-seeking can result from engaging guilt and shame and doing something about it.

Everyone has experienced guilt at some point in life and many have experienced shame. Those are difficult feelings. The person recovering from substance use disorder has these feelings laden with experiences and behaviors that were in some great part the result of their active addiction and the drugs involved. It seems inevitable that these feelings will arise as recovery continues. It is no exaggeration to say that for the newly recovering how they manage through this stage might be the difference between the chance to be well and permanent relapse and the consequences.

Twelve step communities offer prescriptions and peer mentorship to negotiate these issues. Additional recommendations are available from trusted sources. Those who achieve continuing recovery usually come to a comfortable resolution of these issues.

As we noted, there are cases of shame that can be toxic. These require the intervention of an experienced, trained professional. That is not to say that recovery in twelve step communities and through other means cannot be pursued in parallel.

Gene Gilchrist

August 2025