What Does Mature Recovery Look Like II: Long Term Recovery

Last week we discussed the experience of our friend “Bob” who “discovered” many recovering people around him as he became more aware of recovery through his avocational efforts. Of course, they had been there all along; Bob was now aware. We discussed how and why we are aware of people in early stages of recovery, the frequency of relapse, and various activities such as residential recovery treatment and twelve step attendance. Why, we wondered, did we have at least a general awareness of a few people in early recovery but not people who we see often not knowing they are in long term recovery. Like Bob discovered, there are many.

There are several reasons we know more about early recovery. Early recovery is often the result of a public event such as DUI, or marital distress, or job trouble. These matters tend to be public. Sometimes the person with substance use disorder will find a residential treatment program and be absent for four weeks or longer. Early recovery is sometimes trying, exciting and often times frenzied. The person in this stage of recovery is often obvious to us by virtue of their distracted and ebullient behavior over finding a solution and by observing their new habits. Of course, relapse is also common and as we are aware of our family member/colleague/friend in early recovery we are aware of their relapse when it happens.

The transition to mature recovery involves personal growth and development that often involves common stages. Early treatment success involves surrendering to new authority and a great deal of externally defined structure focused on the transition from active drinking and/or use of drugs. In this early phase, individualism is often sacrificed in return for the safety provided by external authorities. However, quite normal transitions occur. First, the acute biological abstinence symptoms end. In a similar fashion the mental distraction from “not drinking/using” that once absorbed life in great measure turns to a daily routine that does not involve alcohol or drugs. Success in these early stages still involves adherence to recommendations and behaviors such as regular counseling and twelve step participation.  At this stage people often become physically and intellectually restless and tense. This is a dangerous time as the newly recovered find confusion, they bristle at the stricture of the regime that got them this far. Relapse is a danger at this point. But it is also a transition for many away from a life focused in great part on using to abstaining and then to evolving into what their new lives will be like.

Of course, it is not like flipping a switch, putting down the drink and drugs, and then everything goes to normal living. To start, there is likely much wreckage from active use that will need to be faced. It is quite common for the newly recovering to face employment issues, financial issues, legal issues, marital strife, relationships with family that have been damaged and all of that requires effort. Usually this is all managed although it does not happen quickly.

Personal relationships are often the hardest issues. People in twelve step programs are encouraged to “Make a list of all persons we have harmed and become willing to make amends to them all”. And then “Make amends to such people except when to do so would injure them or others”. Daunting and often emotionally charged but, again, people get through these amends. Similarly people in early recovery face up to the wreckage of their past and gradually overcome the legal, employment, and financial challenges that may be present.

The process of developing or redeveloping their personhood is not as straightforward or patterned as parts of early recovery. It is often the case that years of drinking and using have caused them to not experience those aspects of living through which many people evolve their social skills, employment patterns and emotional well-being. There are several key transitions.

Coming from a social environment in which paranoia was perceived as an adaptive requirement for survival, many people in recovery find trust difficult. Trusting or relying on others was previously almost unthinkable. Establishing trusting relationships or even acknowledging a need for social dependence is highly anxiety provoking. Experience of any strong emotion, from love and joy to sadness and frustration, often triggered a desire to use drugs rather than a need for relational closeness. It is frightening and more so when one does not have the skills.

Self-esteem is a key to coping with a full range of emotions. Overcoming the natural feelings of shame, self-hate, and guilt does not come easily. This and other forms requiring emotional coping is not developed solely through socializing. Where drugs previously blunted feelings, current sobriety makes feelings available. Participants see basic self-acceptance as the foundation for their next steps toward recovery.

Eventually long term recovery requires that drug-related elements of identity be replaced. Most in recovery initially feel hesitant to take on ordinary prosocial roles due to a conviction that “regular life” is boring and limited. Likely they also fear the unknown parts of that role. Alongside the integration of new roles, such as that of being an employee or drug-free family member, partner, friend, these fears are gradually replaced with an appreciation of being accepted and needed. Such personal affiliations often give rise to a wider sense of being a fully included member of society.

The person newly in recovery may secretly hope that if they “put the plug in the jug”  everything will work out on its own from there. Soon they realize the damage done and if successful will take on the hard work of amending the past. Then they become aware that they have isolated themselves from “normal living” and are motivated to reengage. The individual may not describe it in these terms, but they are feeling the need to engage in more complex and abstract tasks as a way of reintegrating into their society, family, and employment.  They are seeking acceptance as an equal and are moving toward identification with their adult role as partner, parent, child, sibling, colleague and member of their religious or social organization. These processes are key to eventually seeing oneself as an on-par citizen. Again, they may not have developed the skills to play these roles, and they will experience both successes and early failures as they proceed.

Later-stage recovery is often described as living life flexibly yet in line with personal values and preferences. People achieve a feeling of personal wholeness, based on autonomy, resilience, and integration. These self-perceptions provide support for consistent self-agency and flexibility in the face of life challenges. Relapse is less common at some point although it does occur. Successful people in long term recovery may adopt a respectful attitude to the possibility or relapse while gaining confidence that it does not have to be an issue for them.

Long-term recovery results in self-acceptance and overcoming self-stigma. Successful recovery will involve self-acceptance as a reformed, drug-free person with weaknesses and peculiarities but no more or less worthy as a person than anyone else. Combating self-stigma requires letting go of negative prejudicial beliefs, such as, “Once a drug addict, always a drug addict”.  People come to see that they suffer a disease that while different in many ways than diabetes or heart disease is nonetheless a disease for which treatment and ongoing attention provides a solution.

The later phases of recovery are often associated with a sense of citizenship, stable abstinence, and high-level functioning, including competitive work and a drug-free social network. Many lose interest in their former addict lifestyle and remaining drug-free requires less effort than before. Many will end their rehabilitation community memberships such as AA/NA. They may feel that being a community member is incompatible with a fully autonomous life. However, successful participants either continue some connection or find alternatives that will help them maintain a healthy respect for their disease. It is not at all uncommon for a person in recovery 10, 20 even 50 years to make an occasional twelve step meeting and to have friends in recovery.

In sum, mature recovery involves the successful transition from immature authority support involving necessary devotion to the support system’s approach, to mature authority support with a higher degree of independence, to building on personal responsibility and individualized care. This shift involves a gradual but purposeful building of stable self-agency and allows people to grow into on-par social citizenship. This does not imply that full recovery equals complete independence. Further, the process is seldom linear.

It is sometimes heard in twelve step circles that a member is a grateful alcoholic or addict. That strikes the newcomer as rather odd. Eventually they see that the process of recovery involves not only integration into family, employment, and personhood but they benefit from those things happening in a patterned, intentional way in their adulthood when they are more aware and capable of seeing the growth as it occurs. Finally then, the reason Bob does not see those people in church, at the club, or at work, is that they have fully integrated into a prosocial adulthood that is sometimes more stable than someone who did not have the benefit of recovery.

The 2018 member survey from Narcotics Anonymous describes their membership. They report:

·       Average Age 47

·       59% male

·       70% Caucasian

·       93% employed, retired, in school or stay at home spouse

·       They have improved their family relationships, housing, social networks and employment

Their addiction and recovery is not obvious because they are our everyday neighbors, friends, golf partners, congregation members, colleagues. They have successfully treated their disease and fully reintegrated as active, responsible members of society.

Yes, stigma, anonymity, appropriate behavior (not talking about our diseases) all play a role. But successful recovery is the main reason Bob did not know about his friends and colleagues.

Gene Gilchrist

July 2025