What’s Wrong With This Hammer?
We heard a fellow speak on the first anniversary of his being clean and sober. He reflected on his early attempts. “I would, over and over again, take a hammer to change a light bulb. When it didn’t work out so well, I would wonder to myself, what’s wrong with this hammer?”
Estimates are that there are two million people active in AA on any given day and another million in NA. Almost all of them have “surrendered” control at least in regard to drinking and using. The whole idea of peer membership is to learn from people who have, at least to some greater or lesser extent, successfully come to grips with their abuse and addiction. Why then do such a great proportion of newcomers, there for some reason resulting from their alcohol and drug abuse, fail to follow the example and stop trying to control their using and most other aspects of their lives?
In an AA Agnostic post the writer quotes Bill Wilson about the need for control. The anonymous author cites Bill Wilson’s belief that fear is the main agent of action in these control issues. Wilson felt that there were two versions of that fear, the fear of losing something they had and the fear of not getting what they wanted.
In an article on Recovery.org Symantha Skelly proposes that these control issues are a holdover of the personality that developed in active abuse and addiction. Early in recovery people have the tendency to claim and hold onto outdated identities in order not to face giving up control of their environment and themselves. Control is what they know. The familiarity feels safe. Yet, it was this behavior that got the newly recovering to the crises that required them to face their abuse and addiction in the first instance.
Another concern is the fear of failure. As we have often noted, few people come to recovery out of a sudden case of enlightenment. Most people have faced a traumatic event that forced them there. The price of failure is great perhaps including jail, divorce, loss of employment for example. Individuals believe that they have to apply their energy and talents to make sure of the outcome.
Fear of the unknown is a powerful motivator. The newly recovering knew a life in active use. There were parts of it they found rewarding and they miss. They are not offered a specific life after recovery but one that will evolve in the ways that it should. The example of two to three million people is not enough and, of course, one can always find one of those people whose lifestyle you find unappealing. If they let go will the newly recovering be pleased with what they become? Will they have to accept a life with aspects they currently find unappealing?
We have written recently about “terminal uniqueness”. This self-image claims that what has happened to them, or who they are, or their circumstances are such that solutions that worked for others are not applicable for them or won’t work for them. It is easy to see from a distance that this is a form of denial but not so easy from the perspective of those first few days and weeks in recovery and without the drug of choice.
Trust is another reason people will not surrender their agency easily. People in active abuse and addiction tend to develop severe cases of mistrust. In some instances people have taken advantage of them. This may have been mild advantage in some aspect at work or severe events such as physical and sexual abuse. Of course, opening up to others has led to suggestions that they have an alcohol or other drug issue and should find recovery. They did not want to hear that. Regardless the rationality of this mistrust it is very real. Why should they now open themselves to further harm by surrendering to these addicts in AA/NA?
We should note that in many cases the newly recovering in twelve step programs find the continuing use of a “higher power”, most often referenced as God, to be inconsistent with their belief system or their agnosticism or their outright rejection of a deity. This can be used as an excuse to avoid recovery through these communities and often is an excuse. For many, however, that is a legitimate concern. Those folks can find any number of programs that are agnostic by nature but they often do not look for the alternatives.
Underlying much of this is the personal embarrassment that is reinforced by the societal stigma surrounding behavioral health issues including substance use disorder. It is likely the case that the individual is well aware of their addiction for a long time before attempting recovery. No doubt their disease wraps them in a continuing denial loop. No doubt, too, to some extent that embarrassment comes from the sense of personal failure or worse immorality at depth. Now they are being asked to take the final step over that line and admit to themselves, and others, certainly, that they have this disease.
These are the behaviors that led AA and its offspring to adopt the first three steps. “Admitted that we were powerless over alcohol/drugs/gambling and that our lives had become unmanageable”. “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”. “Turned our will and our lives over the care of God as we understood Him”. For the non-believers, I can’t, looks like they can, I’ll try what they’re doing. In the book Alcoholics Anonymous, The Big Book, it says further that “we have tried to hold on to our old ideas but the result was nil until we let go absolutely”. The founders witnessed case after case after case of individuals unwilling to begin a new way of life. They saw the need to surrender.
The Prophet defined Jihad in three meanings only one of which might suggest a Holy War. The internal Jihad refers to the efforts of a believer to live their faith as well as possible. It refers to an internal struggle between opposing forces often described in moral terms. This is the struggle found in early recovery. The individual sees and accepts those three million people in recovery who have let go absolutely. They stand at the precipice encouraged to take a penultimate step across a threshold. With faith they can walk through that door.
Of course, there are ample steps further in recovery where the individual will have to exert control and the courage to amend the lives that developed in their active abuse and addiction. In the beginning, however, they attempt to exert control beyond their means trying to rid themselves of a variety of fears. Uncertainty can be terrifying. It can bring up past wounds and anxiety. In the case of recovery, however, surrendering is essential.
Gene Gilchrist
August 2025
